Super Man!

I was asleep after a long week and a late shift the night before. It was Saturday morning and I could sleep in!!! I went out after my shift Friday night and got home after 2am and had a few more drinks before I went to bed. My phone rang around 9am. I looked at the caller and it was my sister!?!?!? My sister never calls me! So I answered the phone. She asked me if I was awake… “Well I am now! What’s up?”. “Its dad! He went to the doctor yesterday because he was having difficulty breathing and pain in his chest. He is having open heart surgery first thing on Monday morning! He is 75% clogged!” My heart stopped, I sat up in bed in shock! How could this happen? He is my Super Man! He was my everything! I was always Daddy’s girl. He has never put a carcinogen in his body! He doesn’t drink adult beverages, smoke, or over indulge in candy and sweets. He grew up on a farm eating mostly organic, exercises every day, very active mentally and physically. He does everything right! He is a doctor’s dream patient. How could he have ANYTHING wrong in his body? I told my sister that I was scheduled to work a double on Saturday and lunch on Sunday but I would get rid of my shift on Sunday and leave when I got off work Saturday night. It was a six hour drive home for me. I was devastated!

I went to work. I tried my best to put the impending surgery out of my mind. I would go out on the floor and play the part of a skilled server, going through the motions. I had a few regulars come in that night and they noticed something was off. I quietly told them. I went back to the kitchen and started crying. I couldn’t pretend that it wasn’t bothering me anymore. I wiped my tears and went back on the floor. After all; all the world is a stage and we are all merely players. I approached my manager when I came in to see if I could get out of my lunch shift on Sunday and was instructed to have someone pick it up. I asked all of my co-workers and none of them were willing to do it. They had plans to party that night and didn’t want to come in early. Initially I did not tell them about my father. I didn’t want to talk about it for fear that I wouldn’t get through my shift. My boyfriend was working in the kitchen and he is the only one who knew. Finally, the shift was ending and the servers were all in the private dining room rolling silverware to close our shift. I finished my roll-ups and lost it! I loudly told ALL of them to FUCK OFF! “I tried to be nice about it, but all of you are selfish alcoholic drug abusers!!! You are more interested in polluting your bodies than helping another person!” It was then that I told them about my father. I looked at the manager, told her that she can have my job. “Do what ever it is that you see fit, but my father is more important than this job!!! I am leaving tonight to drive and be there for him when he wakes up so I can spend some time with him before he goes into surgery. I will call you when I return to see if I am still employed. And as for the rest of you ~ Go to hell!!!” I was very angry and hurt. They all tried to offer to pick up the shift after my rant. I told them it was too late and the damage was done. I checked out with the manager and left to pack my bags for the longest trip home that I had EVER taken.

Classes~Work~Relationships

I started classes as soon as I was eligible.  I kept in touch with my counselor at Vocational Rehabilitation so that my tuition and books were paid.  I took a full load of classes every semester and took summer classes as well.  I wanted to get caught up as I felt that I was behind.  I took a year and a half off with the move.  I was focused on school when I was on campus but was easily distracted when I wasn’t.  The good thing is that my boyfriend and I shared a vehicle so he would drop me off in the morning for class and pick me up when he was finished with work.  He mostly worked nights so I was on campus for a long time every day.  I was chosen to manage a Psychotherapy Research Lab so I had a key to the lab and it was a great place to study, write papers, and sleep!  There was a cot in the back room that I took advantage of frequently.  I mostly worked on weekends at first.  I had a job waiting tables in the fine dining restaurant in the new Grand Casino, Tunica MS.  I made amazingly great money for a college student.  I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and brought home $600 a week plus I was getting paid $250 per week to manage the lab.

My boyfriend and I eventually bought a second car as the schedules were getting complicated.  We moved into a house closer to the University and he got a job close to the house.  We got a dog and had many friends and acquaintances.  He says that I inspired him to change professions and he decided he wanted to be a chef and moved up in kitchens very quickly.  He was an artist so he easily got bored and felt he needed new challenges and would change jobs often.  He had some amazing opportunities, just did not stick with anything very long. The drive was getting to be cumbersome to the casino (1 hour each way) so I decided to start waiting tables in Memphis, closer to school and home.  I worked at the same restaurant my boyfriend was working in the kitchen.  That worked out better than expected.

We were doing fabulous!  Both making decent money. I was doing well in school and respected within my colleagues.   They did not know of my head injury and I did not want them to have knowledge of it.  I wanted to do well in school because I earned it!  Memory and studies were still difficult.  I had to get a tutor for Spanish (paid for with vocational rehab).  I was able to get through the other classes with my downtime in the research lab and study groups.  The four walls with no distractions was very beneficial!

It was more difficult when I got home.  My boyfriend wanted my attention, he/we would have friends over, we got a roommate to share the expenses (went through four), and we would go out to eat, drink, and be merry.  There were many places that we frequented.  Every Wednesday we would go to a bar that showed South Park!  Its was when the series first started so we had a group that we watched with each week.  All the bartenders at several places knew our names and what we drank. I started smoking more, taking more drugs to keep me ‘normal’, drinking every weekend but not much on weekdays so I could function at school.  It was the start of some very dangerous self-medication.

Returning to Memphis – Twisted!

Going back to Charleston was not a good choice.  I’ve made many bad choices and that was not good timing to return.  It was too soon for my best friend and I to re-kindle our friendship that was injured along with my head injury and there was too much hurt, anger, and betrayal still in my heart from the kids I went to high school with and the University that I believed in and disappointed me.  My family was not as excited about the products that I was selling as I was and did not support that decision either.  All around I felt more alone than EVER!!!

The day after Christmas I decided to go in town to see who was out and about and home for the holidays.  I ran into someone who I had not seen for a while and we ended up playing pool, catching up, laughing and have an amazing evening.  He and I ran in the same circle of friends but never were really friends ourselves so he didn’t have much to compare me to as to how I was BEFORE the accident.  It was refreshing.  There were no expectations from him.

We ended up spending a great deal of time together.  I told him going in that I would be moving back to Memphis to go to school.  His response was “When are we leaving?”.  I had made arrangements to stay with a friend in Memphis but it didn’t include two people so I was not sure what we were going to do.  We stayed in a crappy motel for a couple of nights until I reconnected with a few friends.  They were staying in a very large old mansion that was run down in Midtown.  They said that we could stay in one of the rooms until we found a place.  It was creepy and haunted but lots of fun!  Too much really, not much sleep there.  Both of us were able to find employment pretty quickly and rented out a warehouse studio apartment downtown where both of our jobs were located. I was waiting tables and he worked at a machine shop.  We were able to buy furniture and items to fill the space.

It was a fun space with concrete floors.  We came up with an idea to paint a Twister board on the floor.  It took us weeks to make it perfect.  We purchased a Twister game and made a stencil out of the board, taped it down and used spray paint to make the circles.  We put several coats on and then outlined the circles with black and painted twister on either side, just like the board.  However, we changed the rules a little bit so we changed the name to TwisteD 🙂  After the colors were down we got clear shellac to protect the color from peeling and scratches.  There were quite a few fun evenings with that Twisted board!  The rules changed according to our audience and players.

Establishing Residency

I was in Memphis, working two jobs, accepted into the psychology department at Memphis State and ready to continue my education.  However, I had to wait until l lived in Memphis for a year or the out-of-state tuition was $11,000 more than in-state tuition.  Vocational rehabilitation was set up to pay for in-state tuition and for my books.   I needed something to fill my time.  I made friends with the people that I worked with and opened my ‘northern’ mind.  Everything was slower in Memphis.  Even though I spoke with clear annunciation, I spoke two quickly.  I had to slam on my brakes and slow my speech so that the natives could understand me.  They thought I spoke a different language if I spoke in my normal speak.  It isn’t that they were less intelligent, they just didn’t process as quickly.  They saw no reason.  I got used to it but when I would return home or speak with others from the North (above the Mason-Dixon line) I would naturally pick up the speed.

Memphis is somewhat of a melting pot of cultures.  I did my best to observe the new ideals and diversity.  There are large Hispanic and Asian populations within Memphis.  At the time I was there, it was 55% Black, 5% Hispanic, 5% Asian, 35% White.  I had not been the minority before moving to Memphis.  I spent 21 years in rural Illinois where we had our token black family, Jewish family, and the Hispanic migrant workers in the summer.  That is about all of the diversity that I was exposed to prior to Memphis.  I was fascinated.  I wanted to learn more!!!

Memphis had amazing music venues!  Live music was everywhere and in most bars.  I started drinking every night after work, establishing a few ‘watering holes’, I was smoking pot but not daily and occasionally playing with some harder drugs to experiment a bit.  I was still on my psychiatric meds so I didn’t do a lot as I was frightened of how my brain would react. I was waiting tables so my schedule was flexible.  I worked as much as I could to pay my bills, support my vices, and saved very little.

I had some friends visit from Illinois (college, not home town friends) a few times.  I would take them to Graceland, the zoo and Beale Street.  Show them the fun of Memphis.  Life was good! I was discovering who I was without any expectations of those around me.  No one was comparing me to how I used to be, no one even knew that I was in an accident or suffered brain damage.  Part of me pretended that it never happened.  I could forget all about it and do what I wanted.  I continued to visit my psychologist and psychiatrist monthly for a while then one day after I had some friends over for a gathering.  I woke up and decided that I didn’t need it anymore.  I took my prescriptions out of the cabinet and flushed them all down the toilet.  This is not advised or encouraged in any way!  Somehow it worked out OK for me.

I was self-medicating.  I had started selling for a multi-level-marketing company.  The products were all natural and I was going to make something big of myself!  I stopped working at my serving job and also my retail to work this company.  I was convinced it was going to work and moved back to home to introduce these products to my home town.  I sold all of my furniture, didn’t renew my lease and I moved in with my best friend from high school at first.  It didn’t work out, and I have no recollection of what happened but I moved back in with my parents.

Memphis Move…

Let’s get back to the move to Memphis.  Before I got my two jobs and apartment, my first visit was the University to connect with the professor that I moved there to study under.  I found the Psychology building first.  I didn’t go to admissions or academic affairs, straight to the Psychology Building.  I went to the office and requested the professor.  It was undoubtedly an intern working the front office of the building, volunteering her time.  She asked if he was expecting me and I said “no”.  She looked at me strangely and informed me that he was in class but I could come back in an hour.  I told her I would wait.  I sat down in a chair and waited.  No book, magazine, or anything to occupy me.  I just sat there with a smile.  I can not even imagine what was going through her head!

She notified the professor that I was there, he introduced himself and invited me to his office.  He asked me the purpose of my visit.  I said, “I am here to study under you and would like to work with head injured individuals and rehabilitation.”  He paused, and asked if I suffered a head injury.  I didn’t even pick up on how OBVIOUS it was that there was something not right about me.  I replied, “Yes, I was in a motorcycle accident a few years ago and am being treated by Dr. X.  He told me about you and your work so I moved down here so that I can learn what you know.”  He admitted to knowing Dr. X and asked if he was aware that I was here.  “No sir, I have not informed him yet.  I was going to wait until I spoke with you first so I would have more to tell him”.  The professor asked if I was still being treated and my reply was Yes.  He went on to explain to me that I would need to establish state residency if I did not wish to pay out of state tuition.  It would take a year.  I believe he was attempting to discourage me.  I was willing to wait.  He then gave me contact information to a counselor at Vocational Rehabilitation.  He said that I may be able to get tuition assistance through a state program. Then he requested that I contact Dr. X to inform him that I was in Memphis.

I’m pretty sure that the professor called Dr. X as soon as I left his office.  I then sought out employment and drove around the city looking for housing.  After I worked a couple of weeks and got moved into my apartment I went to the office of Vocational Rehabilitation of Tennessee.  I met with the counselor to inquire about my options.  She personally had been in a diving accident that left her wheelchair bound.  She explained to me that she would need to get my medical records but with the way that I explained things she was confident that I would qualify for assistance.  After a month or so I was notified that I qualified for tuition and books to be paid at 100% because I was considered ‘mentally disabled’. She allowed me to be comfortable and accepting of this fact.  I immediately went to the professor’s office to inform him. I truly believed that he would want to know.  I had a scheduled appointment with Dr. X a week or so later and I drove 7 hours to attend the appointment to inform him of what I had done.  I was so excited and proud! I did EVERYTHING that I said I was going to do!  The problem was that I had not reviewed my plan with anyone but ME!  I also had an appointment with my psychiatrist that afternoon.  He immediately increased the doses of my medication!

May 1994

I need to back up a little bit to discuss my adventure at the end of my sophomore year at Eastern.  My brother had graduated with his Pre-Med undergraduate degree and I bought him a trip to the Bahamas for his Graduation.  There were strings attached to the gift.  🙂  He had to take ME with him!!!  I had just finished an amazing year!  I was no longer on the cheer team due to a fall on the gymnasium floor during a basketball game.  This was the reason I was told that I would never cheer again.  It was not a fact, it was a suggestion.  Multiple head injuries are not good, especially when the first one was so traumatic!  I lost consciousness when I fell for under a minute but it took weeks before I was straight again.  The vertigo was awful!  So I never put on a uniform after that game.

I had more time to fill with other things!  That was when I did all of the things with student government and the university.  I also joined Model United Nations.  In the spring, I travelled to St Louis with the team to represent the University.  There were six of us I think and were assigned a country in Africa (I believe) so I had to do my research to act as though I was from that country.  It was an amazing adventure of networking and meeting new people.  Immediately following that I travelled Texas A&M for the National Student Government Convention.  There were four of us.  Again, I learned new things, met amazing leaders, and was a voice for EIU.

It came time to head to Florida to get on a cruise that would take Matthew and I to the Bahamas 🙂  This was the first vacation that we would go on without our parents.  I was only 20.  We met many characters on our adventure.  On the boat over, we met another brother and sister on vacation and met up with them after we got to the island.  We also met a business woman was from the island and she told where to go and what to avoid.  We chose to go to the areas less traveled where the ‘locals’ go so that we could see life outside the tourist areas.  It was very interesting! On the cruise back to Fort Lauderdale we met six lads on holiday from England.  I’ve never laughed so much and hard!!!  We were staying near one another and were all headed up to Orlando the next day.  We met up and played pool, drank beer, and had fun!  We made a road trip out of going to Orlando and went with them to the theme parks.  We spent four days I believe with all of them. I had the time of my life!

Matthew and I stayed in contact with one of them that visited us the following year in Illinois when he was traveling through. This was when there was only snail mail so it would be weeks between each correspondence and very few phone calls due to the cost.  I also stayed in contact with another one of the boys.  He and I had a connection that I couldn’t shake.  If he did not live on the other side of the pond I would have stopped my world for him.  Time passed and the letters eventually stopped.  I’m not sure why.  I guess life just got in the way.

Fast forward to 2009.  That was the year that I FINALLY joined Facebook!  I was told that people were looking for me.  I didn’t believe it but within 24 hours of joining I had 75 friend requests!!!  Not long after, I got a request from HIM!!! It had been fifteen years since I last saw him!!! I was super excited and wondered why it took me so long to sign up with the machine that I call Facebook.  THIS was the reason!  More to come on this later…

Moving On…

After I withdrew from the university I was not certain what I was going to do.  I had not informed anyone of what I did but I felt strongly that I stand on principle and I no longer wanted anything to do with that institution.  A friend of mine was moving out to California and asked me to come along for the drive.  We set off and travelled Route 66 with his dog and car load of his items.  It was not a romantic road trip, just two people finding their way.  When we got to the Grand Canyon (my first and only visit) there was a blizzard.  I have pictures of me throwing snowballs over looking the Grand Canyon!  Who would’ve thought?

We went to Hoover Damn, Vegas, and then to Reno.  That is where I got on a plane and headed back to St Louis.  I called my brother to see if he could pick me up at the airport.  I was scheduled to go to work the next morning!  He arranged his schedule to come an pick me up.  On the ride I informed him that I was going to move to Memphis to study under a professor that my psychologist had told me about.  The professor was one of the founding doctors of neuropsychology and he specialized in head injuries.  My brother had been in Summer Stock Theatre with a student who was getting her master’s in Memphis.  He called her and asked if I could stay with her for a week or so until I found an apartment.  I had met her briefly during the summer and she said yes!  I emptied my bank account, loaded my car, and off I went!!!  My brother and I had an apartment together at the time that only had a couple of months or less left on the lease.

When I got to Memphis I was able to get two jobs and an apartment within three days.  They were not great jobs, but jobs nonetheless!  One was waiting table and the other in retail.  A week after I was there, I called my parents to ask them if they could bring down my furniture.  They were not even aware that I had left town!!!  I didn’t want them to worry so I waited until I had things sorted out.  At some point my actions stopped shocking them but I’m not sure how!  I was in a manic state and thought I could take on the world and sort out the details later.  Within a month I had dropped out of college, travelled across the country with an acquaintance that I barely knew, and moved 500 miles away.

I was still seeing a pain specialist, psychiatrist, and psychologist.  The other doctors were on an as needed basis.  I was there for a reason and I saw nothing wrong with my actions.  I knew that I was going to study under the man that I said I would and that is exactly what I did!!!

Another Year at EIU

I had accomplished many things in my first year at Eastern with Student Government.  Many minor things like getting bike racks, fixing the sidewalks for ADA compliance, re-wrote the student government constitution, one of the founding members of LGBTAU (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Allies Union), chosen to attend a national student government convention to represent EIU at Texas A&M, but the BIG thing is that I assisted in establishing a recycling program throughout the campus.  I was dating a man that had worked to have recycling available in the dormitories and he was on the committee with me to take it campus wide.  We did our homework, travelled to other campuses to see what was effective and what was not.  I was very proud of this addition to the campus.  I made a point to work with the on and off campus organizations and decided to run for student body president my sophomore year.

I built a party of leaders that consisted of many aspects of the campus.  We had some Greek members, resident assistants, athletes, scholars, etc.  The name of the party was REALITY, slogan ~ Its all talk unless you make it happen.  The party that had formed to run against us was strictly a Greek party.  The only qualification needed was to be a member of a social Greek fraternity or sorority.  They were all there to boost their resume and that is it.  They had no intention of doing any good for the student body or to improve the campus.  This was made very clear with the speeches they made or the lack of actually.

The one thing that I remember most about this election was that one of my friends from high school was on the opposing party.  I was close to her in high school, we were on the cheer team together and after my incident with the bridge I had confided in her and admitted that it was attempted suicide.  She decided to make that public knowledge and had the story printed in the EIU newspaper trying to discredit me and call me unstable to run the student government.  I was horrified but didn’t let anyone in my party know that I was angry.  I did not respond to the allegations and went on with our strategies as planned.

Election day came and I lost by 457 votes and so did most of my party.  We knew it would be a close election.  We came to find out that the opposing party had the students that were ‘rushing’ or trying to be members, stuff the ballot boxes.  10 of them at 50 ballots each.  All at different location so that it could not be traced.  The ballots were all shredded the night of election.  I helped to re-write the student government constitution.  The ballots were to not be shredded for a week after election in the event of a needed recount and/or verification.  The EIU professor that oversaw the student government also oversaw the Greek community.   She was in on the cheating.

I was the only student on the panel that had chosen the new President of the university and I had chosen the one elected.  He also became a member of our church and was friends with my parents.  The Vice President of Student Affairs was married to my accounting teacher in high school.  I asked for a meeting in the Presidents office of the three of us.  I told them that I wanted a re-election for the students so that they would get who they voted for to represent them.  And I would not re-run as I was the one requesting the vote.  They admitted to having knowledge of what occurred and denied my request.  They said that it would hurt the reputation of the university if we admitted the fraud in elections. I asked them if the reputation was more important than the integrity?  They said yes. I walked out of the office and down to admissions, withdrew from the university and have not set foot on campus since that day.