Establishing Residency

I was in Memphis, working two jobs, accepted into the psychology department at Memphis State and ready to continue my education.  However, I had to wait until l lived in Memphis for a year or the out-of-state tuition was $11,000 more than in-state tuition.  Vocational rehabilitation was set up to pay for in-state tuition and for my books.   I needed something to fill my time.  I made friends with the people that I worked with and opened my ‘northern’ mind.  Everything was slower in Memphis.  Even though I spoke with clear annunciation, I spoke two quickly.  I had to slam on my brakes and slow my speech so that the natives could understand me.  They thought I spoke a different language if I spoke in my normal speak.  It isn’t that they were less intelligent, they just didn’t process as quickly.  They saw no reason.  I got used to it but when I would return home or speak with others from the North (above the Mason-Dixon line) I would naturally pick up the speed.

Memphis is somewhat of a melting pot of cultures.  I did my best to observe the new ideals and diversity.  There are large Hispanic and Asian populations within Memphis.  At the time I was there, it was 55% Black, 5% Hispanic, 5% Asian, 35% White.  I had not been the minority before moving to Memphis.  I spent 21 years in rural Illinois where we had our token black family, Jewish family, and the Hispanic migrant workers in the summer.  That is about all of the diversity that I was exposed to prior to Memphis.  I was fascinated.  I wanted to learn more!!!

Memphis had amazing music venues!  Live music was everywhere and in most bars.  I started drinking every night after work, establishing a few ‘watering holes’, I was smoking pot but not daily and occasionally playing with some harder drugs to experiment a bit.  I was still on my psychiatric meds so I didn’t do a lot as I was frightened of how my brain would react. I was waiting tables so my schedule was flexible.  I worked as much as I could to pay my bills, support my vices, and saved very little.

I had some friends visit from Illinois (college, not home town friends) a few times.  I would take them to Graceland, the zoo and Beale Street.  Show them the fun of Memphis.  Life was good! I was discovering who I was without any expectations of those around me.  No one was comparing me to how I used to be, no one even knew that I was in an accident or suffered brain damage.  Part of me pretended that it never happened.  I could forget all about it and do what I wanted.  I continued to visit my psychologist and psychiatrist monthly for a while then one day after I had some friends over for a gathering.  I woke up and decided that I didn’t need it anymore.  I took my prescriptions out of the cabinet and flushed them all down the toilet.  This is not advised or encouraged in any way!  Somehow it worked out OK for me.

I was self-medicating.  I had started selling for a multi-level-marketing company.  The products were all natural and I was going to make something big of myself!  I stopped working at my serving job and also my retail to work this company.  I was convinced it was going to work and moved back to home to introduce these products to my home town.  I sold all of my furniture, didn’t renew my lease and I moved in with my best friend from high school at first.  It didn’t work out, and I have no recollection of what happened but I moved back in with my parents.

Memphis Move…

Let’s get back to the move to Memphis.  Before I got my two jobs and apartment, my first visit was the University to connect with the professor that I moved there to study under.  I found the Psychology building first.  I didn’t go to admissions or academic affairs, straight to the Psychology Building.  I went to the office and requested the professor.  It was undoubtedly an intern working the front office of the building, volunteering her time.  She asked if he was expecting me and I said “no”.  She looked at me strangely and informed me that he was in class but I could come back in an hour.  I told her I would wait.  I sat down in a chair and waited.  No book, magazine, or anything to occupy me.  I just sat there with a smile.  I can not even imagine what was going through her head!

She notified the professor that I was there, he introduced himself and invited me to his office.  He asked me the purpose of my visit.  I said, “I am here to study under you and would like to work with head injured individuals and rehabilitation.”  He paused, and asked if I suffered a head injury.  I didn’t even pick up on how OBVIOUS it was that there was something not right about me.  I replied, “Yes, I was in a motorcycle accident a few years ago and am being treated by Dr. X.  He told me about you and your work so I moved down here so that I can learn what you know.”  He admitted to knowing Dr. X and asked if he was aware that I was here.  “No sir, I have not informed him yet.  I was going to wait until I spoke with you first so I would have more to tell him”.  The professor asked if I was still being treated and my reply was Yes.  He went on to explain to me that I would need to establish state residency if I did not wish to pay out of state tuition.  It would take a year.  I believe he was attempting to discourage me.  I was willing to wait.  He then gave me contact information to a counselor at Vocational Rehabilitation.  He said that I may be able to get tuition assistance through a state program. Then he requested that I contact Dr. X to inform him that I was in Memphis.

I’m pretty sure that the professor called Dr. X as soon as I left his office.  I then sought out employment and drove around the city looking for housing.  After I worked a couple of weeks and got moved into my apartment I went to the office of Vocational Rehabilitation of Tennessee.  I met with the counselor to inquire about my options.  She personally had been in a diving accident that left her wheelchair bound.  She explained to me that she would need to get my medical records but with the way that I explained things she was confident that I would qualify for assistance.  After a month or so I was notified that I qualified for tuition and books to be paid at 100% because I was considered ‘mentally disabled’. She allowed me to be comfortable and accepting of this fact.  I immediately went to the professor’s office to inform him. I truly believed that he would want to know.  I had a scheduled appointment with Dr. X a week or so later and I drove 7 hours to attend the appointment to inform him of what I had done.  I was so excited and proud! I did EVERYTHING that I said I was going to do!  The problem was that I had not reviewed my plan with anyone but ME!  I also had an appointment with my psychiatrist that afternoon.  He immediately increased the doses of my medication!

May 1994

I need to back up a little bit to discuss my adventure at the end of my sophomore year at Eastern.  My brother had graduated with his Pre-Med undergraduate degree and I bought him a trip to the Bahamas for his Graduation.  There were strings attached to the gift.  🙂  He had to take ME with him!!!  I had just finished an amazing year!  I was no longer on the cheer team due to a fall on the gymnasium floor during a basketball game.  This was the reason I was told that I would never cheer again.  It was not a fact, it was a suggestion.  Multiple head injuries are not good, especially when the first one was so traumatic!  I lost consciousness when I fell for under a minute but it took weeks before I was straight again.  The vertigo was awful!  So I never put on a uniform after that game.

I had more time to fill with other things!  That was when I did all of the things with student government and the university.  I also joined Model United Nations.  In the spring, I travelled to St Louis with the team to represent the University.  There were six of us I think and were assigned a country in Africa (I believe) so I had to do my research to act as though I was from that country.  It was an amazing adventure of networking and meeting new people.  Immediately following that I travelled Texas A&M for the National Student Government Convention.  There were four of us.  Again, I learned new things, met amazing leaders, and was a voice for EIU.

It came time to head to Florida to get on a cruise that would take Matthew and I to the Bahamas 🙂  This was the first vacation that we would go on without our parents.  I was only 20.  We met many characters on our adventure.  On the boat over, we met another brother and sister on vacation and met up with them after we got to the island.  We also met a business woman was from the island and she told where to go and what to avoid.  We chose to go to the areas less traveled where the ‘locals’ go so that we could see life outside the tourist areas.  It was very interesting! On the cruise back to Fort Lauderdale we met six lads on holiday from England.  I’ve never laughed so much and hard!!!  We were staying near one another and were all headed up to Orlando the next day.  We met up and played pool, drank beer, and had fun!  We made a road trip out of going to Orlando and went with them to the theme parks.  We spent four days I believe with all of them. I had the time of my life!

Matthew and I stayed in contact with one of them that visited us the following year in Illinois when he was traveling through. This was when there was only snail mail so it would be weeks between each correspondence and very few phone calls due to the cost.  I also stayed in contact with another one of the boys.  He and I had a connection that I couldn’t shake.  If he did not live on the other side of the pond I would have stopped my world for him.  Time passed and the letters eventually stopped.  I’m not sure why.  I guess life just got in the way.

Fast forward to 2009.  That was the year that I FINALLY joined Facebook!  I was told that people were looking for me.  I didn’t believe it but within 24 hours of joining I had 75 friend requests!!!  Not long after, I got a request from HIM!!! It had been fifteen years since I last saw him!!! I was super excited and wondered why it took me so long to sign up with the machine that I call Facebook.  THIS was the reason!  More to come on this later…

Moving On…

After I withdrew from the university I was not certain what I was going to do.  I had not informed anyone of what I did but I felt strongly that I stand on principle and I no longer wanted anything to do with that institution.  A friend of mine was moving out to California and asked me to come along for the drive.  We set off and travelled Route 66 with his dog and car load of his items.  It was not a romantic road trip, just two people finding their way.  When we got to the Grand Canyon (my first and only visit) there was a blizzard.  I have pictures of me throwing snowballs over looking the Grand Canyon!  Who would’ve thought?

We went to Hoover Damn, Vegas, and then to Reno.  That is where I got on a plane and headed back to St Louis.  I called my brother to see if he could pick me up at the airport.  I was scheduled to go to work the next morning!  He arranged his schedule to come an pick me up.  On the ride I informed him that I was going to move to Memphis to study under a professor that my psychologist had told me about.  The professor was one of the founding doctors of neuropsychology and he specialized in head injuries.  My brother had been in Summer Stock Theatre with a student who was getting her master’s in Memphis.  He called her and asked if I could stay with her for a week or so until I found an apartment.  I had met her briefly during the summer and she said yes!  I emptied my bank account, loaded my car, and off I went!!!  My brother and I had an apartment together at the time that only had a couple of months or less left on the lease.

When I got to Memphis I was able to get two jobs and an apartment within three days.  They were not great jobs, but jobs nonetheless!  One was waiting table and the other in retail.  A week after I was there, I called my parents to ask them if they could bring down my furniture.  They were not even aware that I had left town!!!  I didn’t want them to worry so I waited until I had things sorted out.  At some point my actions stopped shocking them but I’m not sure how!  I was in a manic state and thought I could take on the world and sort out the details later.  Within a month I had dropped out of college, travelled across the country with an acquaintance that I barely knew, and moved 500 miles away.

I was still seeing a pain specialist, psychiatrist, and psychologist.  The other doctors were on an as needed basis.  I was there for a reason and I saw nothing wrong with my actions.  I knew that I was going to study under the man that I said I would and that is exactly what I did!!!

Another Year at EIU

I had accomplished many things in my first year at Eastern with Student Government.  Many minor things like getting bike racks, fixing the sidewalks for ADA compliance, re-wrote the student government constitution, one of the founding members of LGBTAU (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Allies Union), chosen to attend a national student government convention to represent EIU at Texas A&M, but the BIG thing is that I assisted in establishing a recycling program throughout the campus.  I was dating a man that had worked to have recycling available in the dormitories and he was on the committee with me to take it campus wide.  We did our homework, travelled to other campuses to see what was effective and what was not.  I was very proud of this addition to the campus.  I made a point to work with the on and off campus organizations and decided to run for student body president my sophomore year.

I built a party of leaders that consisted of many aspects of the campus.  We had some Greek members, resident assistants, athletes, scholars, etc.  The name of the party was REALITY, slogan ~ Its all talk unless you make it happen.  The party that had formed to run against us was strictly a Greek party.  The only qualification needed was to be a member of a social Greek fraternity or sorority.  They were all there to boost their resume and that is it.  They had no intention of doing any good for the student body or to improve the campus.  This was made very clear with the speeches they made or the lack of actually.

The one thing that I remember most about this election was that one of my friends from high school was on the opposing party.  I was close to her in high school, we were on the cheer team together and after my incident with the bridge I had confided in her and admitted that it was attempted suicide.  She decided to make that public knowledge and had the story printed in the EIU newspaper trying to discredit me and call me unstable to run the student government.  I was horrified but didn’t let anyone in my party know that I was angry.  I did not respond to the allegations and went on with our strategies as planned.

Election day came and I lost by 457 votes and so did most of my party.  We knew it would be a close election.  We came to find out that the opposing party had the students that were ‘rushing’ or trying to be members, stuff the ballot boxes.  10 of them at 50 ballots each.  All at different location so that it could not be traced.  The ballots were all shredded the night of election.  I helped to re-write the student government constitution.  The ballots were to not be shredded for a week after election in the event of a needed recount and/or verification.  The EIU professor that oversaw the student government also oversaw the Greek community.   She was in on the cheating.

I was the only student on the panel that had chosen the new President of the university and I had chosen the one elected.  He also became a member of our church and was friends with my parents.  The Vice President of Student Affairs was married to my accounting teacher in high school.  I asked for a meeting in the Presidents office of the three of us.  I told them that I wanted a re-election for the students so that they would get who they voted for to represent them.  And I would not re-run as I was the one requesting the vote.  They admitted to having knowledge of what occurred and denied my request.  They said that it would hurt the reputation of the university if we admitted the fraud in elections. I asked them if the reputation was more important than the integrity?  They said yes. I walked out of the office and down to admissions, withdrew from the university and have not set foot on campus since that day.

Freshman Year at EIU

I made it! I was officially a freshman in college despite doctors telling me it was not possible, an attempted suicide, and a stay in a mental ward of a hospital. I was not driving due to the DUI but I was not going to let that slow me down. I tried out for the cheerleading squad an made it, I enrolled in 15 credit hours (5 classes), I was elected to student government, and was working a full time job. I always found a way to fit it all it. I didn’t expect classes to be as difficult as they were. It is assumed that a student has certain knowledge at the college level going into class. Well, I didn’t. Most simple memories I did not have in my memory bank. I remember taking an American government class and it was the first time for me hearing the information. I didn’t know what the Bill of Rights or anything about the Constitution. I had to record the lectures and listen to them multiple times so that I could fill in my notes. I went to my high school teacher to get a more basic text book that I could understand. This was frustrating as I could not get the information transferred to my long term memory. It was like this in many of my classes. Every hour I was in class required two hours of study. I worked out in the mornings for two hours before class, then practice for a couple of hours every afternoon. I would go to the library between classes and get about 30-40 hours of work in there somewhere. The student government was my social outlet.

I remember one day a cheer practice when I was stunting with a new partner. He threw me above his head and the stunt didn’t stick. When I came down my shin landed on the knee of the person spotting us!!! There was a contusion that stuck out an inch! My mom picked me up from practice and we went to the ER. I thought it was broken but how do you break your shin? It was not broken but I torn the tendon off the bone. I was unable to move my foot up and down! It was put in a cast for three weeks to allow it to heal. The follow up appointments were with a podiatrist who I ended up working for. He allowed flexible hours and worked around my class schedule.

I had reduced the visits to most of my therapist but still was seeing my psychologist and psychiatrist. I also had to do twelve hours of counseling for my DUI. I made new friends and would drink on occasion but I was working out and cheering so it didn’t allow much time for activity outside of that. I would play pool (billiards) with a friend from high school to keep balance. I moved out of my parents and got my own apartment at some point. The chronological order is a blur to me. I was still in somewhat of a fog moving through my actions. There were many things that I did in search of my ‘identity’ much like most freshmen college students but it was different for me. I had no reference.

Ask the Right Question

In the weeks following this incident.  Not many knew about it.  The boys that I was with never checked in to see if I was OK and I honestly have only spoken with one of them since it happened.  Two weeks after the accident the officer on the scene came out to the farm to issue me a DUI.  I had a .38 blood alcohol level!  I almost killed myself by alcohol poison!  They waited until the results came back from the state to take my license.  The officer had visited the farm when I returned from the hospital to see for himself that I had survived the motorcycle accident.  This was not a visit that he enjoyed!  I lost my license for 30 days, then was on a work permit for 60 days. I could only drive to work and school.  I was on high risk insurance for 3 years, 12 hours of counseling, a fine, 2 DUI classes, and a totaled car.  I went through the necessary steps and my parents assisted in driving me around.

I continued to work, go to my therapies, and practice with the EIU cheerleaders.  I did not continue coaching at the high school after I graduated but I did practice with some of the cheerleaders at EIU so that I could secure my spot on the squad. After all, I still needed to prove my doctors wrong 😉  I was convinced that I was OK.  I decided that I was going to move out of my parents house and get my own place.  I need to mention here that I was being treated for bipolar personality disorder.  I got my own place and was in total denial of my attempted suicide.  Then one day I was in the car with a friend and I realized that it was taking every muscle in my body not to jump out of the car on the interstate and take my own life.  My friend stayed with me that night and the next morning I called my psychiatrist and asked to be admitted into the hospital for depression.  He did and there I was for only a week or two.  It was humbling.  I was on suicide watch so I couldn’t have pens, shoe laces, or any other objects that may be used to injure myself.

It was one of the most amazing things I’ve done. While in rehab I met other patients much worse than me and had an effect on them that the nurses had never seen.  I encouraged a man with Parkinson’s to walk (he hadn’t been able to do so in his mind for months).  I spoke with 9 different personalities of  a woman who suffered multiple personality disorder.  She opened up to me more than she had with any of her doctors.  She showed me her personal and extremely disturbing sketch book. I found a gift and it showed me strength that I didn’t know that I had.  Since admitted myself I could also discharge myself and I did.  The other patients looked at me and asked “You are beautiful, young, smart, and healthy… what do you have to be depressed about?”  I turned the question around and asked them the same thing.  I would have the most amazing conversations with them.

Shortly after, I started my freshman year in college.  There was rumor about me driving my car off a bridge and I would answer questions that people asked me.  I would never volunteer information.  If you ask the right question, I will answer.  Otherwise I will keep it to myself.  I still do it now. Its isn’t lying or being untruthful. I answer the questions asked. Simple really.

Sneaking Out Again

It was shortly after high school graduation.  I was working at Subway as a shift leader.  I started working while I was still in school after basketball season ended.  I was still seeing several therapists but was functioning pretty well, or so I thought.  I had taken my nightly medication and started to fall asleep when I heard a tap on my bedroom  window at the farm.  I looked outside and it was a couple of my friends that said they had a surprise for me and asked me to come outside.  I dressed and met them out by the barn.  A friend of mine that I was close to had moved away and was back in town visiting.  It was such a great surprise.  They asked me to come with them and go out.  Again, it was three boys and I jumped in the car and off we went.  We went to the city damn and were drinking honeymeister.  I was drinking out of the bottle.  I couldn’t taste it since I didn’t have a sense of smell, so I was drinking quickly, not realizing that I was barely one hundred pounds and the medication that I was taking had warning labels not to take with alcohol.  We are having fun and catching up!  Then it comes time to bring me home.

One of the guys was an ex-boyfriend.  We both think its a good idea for ME to take him home.  I went into the house, grabbed my keys, and drove him home while the other two left to go home themselves.  On the way to his house we stopped on a back road and had sex in my car.  After, he said some very HATEFUL and CRUEL things to me when I was dropping him off.   When I left his house, I went the opposite direction of my house.  I chose to drive down the road that I was on during the motorcycle accident.  I was crying hysterically and as I drove back in town I decided to drive my car off the side of a bridge.  My car went over the guard rail and rolling down the embankment, landing on the passenger side.  The windows were down,  the hood wrapped over the windshield, no seat belt on, and the battery had been ejected from the car.  Someone in the house near by heard the crash and called the police.

It was the same officer that had been at the scene of my motorcycle accident a little over a year prior.  I was unconscious when he approached the car.  He was for certain that I didn’t make it.  They broke the back window to pull me out.  In doing so, I woke up.  D-Runk!!!  I was not injured, I was passed out!  I tried to walk up the embankment myself and didn’t want assistance but I was too intoxicated to do much of anything.  I was calling out the names of my friends that I was with previously.  I did not remember that we had parted ways. The police officers were looking for them.  I passed out again and they put me in an ambulance.

When I got to the hospital they determined that I was not injured and released me.  I asked them if they were going to call my parents and they said “no, you’re 18, we don’t need to.”  It took me 20 minutes to convince them to call. Who else was going to pick me up?  They called and guess what?  Matthew answered!!!

My parents arrived and I started crying so hard I could barely speak!  I apologized for disappointing them and could barely look at them because I knew that I let them down.  I woke up the next morning on the couch with my mother by my side. I was so angry!!! I kept saying “Why can’t God just let me die?  I can’t even attempt suicide effectively!”  There is nothing I wanted more than to be dead!  I remember my parents taking turns being with me.  What do you say to your teen-aged daughter that wants to die?  All they said was “I LOVE YOU!”

Katina’s Goats

A picture of me tending to the goats when I was younger!

Sneaking Out of the House

I remember the first time I snuck out of the house.  I was 13 years old and it was the 1988 Winter Olympics.  I was on the phone with some friends and they decided that they wanted to come visit me.  I thought this was a fabulous idea!  I said “My parents are asleep and think that I’m up watching the Olympics.  I’ll leave the TV on, go out the back door, and meet you at the bridge.  Turn off the headlights so they won’t notice.  Their bedroom is on the other side of the house!”  We had it ALL figured out 🙂

Did I mention that is was three boys?  The oldest was 14 and they were staying at one of their grandmother’s houses.  They took her car, without permission OR a driver’s license.  They were just my buddies!  What harm could they do to me?  It didn’t even cross my mind!  In hindsight… I must have been out of my mind!  Granted ~ this is BEFORE the head injury.  All we did was drive around in the country for a while.  They had beer and marijuana with them.  I was all about doing crazy things but that was going too far!  I did not drink or smoke that night. Thankfully, they were true friends and did not attempt anything sexual.  We were honestly just hanging out. I thought that I was just one of the boys. I really didn’t understand the difference.

We got back to the farm, they turned out he lights and dropped me off at the bridge, just like they did when they picked me up!  I was walking up the hill and noticed that the TV was off!!!  My heart started POUNDING!!! I went around to the front of the house and there was my dad waiting on the bench!  “I’m sorry DAD!!!”  He asked me where I had been and who I was with… “Just out for a walk!”  I was not going to get my friends in trouble!!!  He knew that I was OK and that I was lying to him so he took me to the ground and spanked me!  It is the only spanking that I remember from him but WOW did I DESERVE that one!!!  He asked me again – who were you with and where did you go? I still would not tell him. He said “I’ll tell you who you were with…” and he listed their names. He said that one of their father’s phoned out to the farm looking for them.  His older brother and sister, mother, and dad are looking for all of them.  Where did they go?  I wasn’t sure but they said they were going back to the grandmothers house.  When they boys got into town, they were greeted with the family.  We ALL were in trouble but thankfully SAFE!

I was grounded for three weeks. I couldn’t go to any after school functions or visit friends and I had a 10 minute limit on all phone calls. When the phone rang, my mother would set the timer and when it rang, the phone would be hung up.  This was when phones had cords!!!   They had more control.  This was the WORST punishment EVER for a thirteen year old! I would talk for hours at at time. The boys were given punishments but they were all free to do what they wanted within a week.

The next time I snuck out of the house didn’t have as good of an ending…